loyalty

Music of the day :- One desire - Hillsongs United

I was wondered , "am i a person who loves to overthrow his head?" "Those my ideas always seems like i'm trying to so i'm better and am waiting to overthrow someone?" "Do my face portray as one?" "Do my mind always have to think about this?"

I always do wonder and i came up with a remedy to it, that is not to ever give suggestion or opinon, never to question the methods or style used, and always always adept oneself to any leaders i'm follwoing. It work pretty good and so far it wasn't an issue but beacuse of that i was always view as the background person, the invisible man and an "no-idea" person of the group. i'm sick of it sp i tried doing something different, by voicing my opinons on somethings and defending by opinons, i got "You wanna take my place as the head of XXX."

I was really hurted by that statement. my intention was to voice out what i see as an improvement that could greatly boost the ministry, in exchange of it i got that statement. My loyalty being questioned. I was deeply dampered by it, that i don't know what to feel next. lost? Sad? angry? depress? frustrated? maybe my communication is as bad as it looks. maybe i was never made to work as a group or work as a group but a mute role. Questioning God is a serious offence i believe that is 100 times worst than murder, did i said anything that links it to that?

you know what?

I really do miss my sister, she was the one who always reason with my ideas. as bad it was she never said a statement like that.

i always wanted to serve better, i believe that "how much a person loves God is reflected in his/her service." i always wanted to do my best in my service so that God church will be seen as a great church. more people will join.

do i have other motive? i'm still wandering now. I could only come out with one, is that i like attention alot. but i always control myself over it. when i'm goiing overboard, i hold myself back by telling myself, "you're looking for attention" and stop short of what i'm doing.

today i just found out in myself what i got the symdroms of the spirit of rejection. so sadly, i hope it isn't true.. got to really watch out for it.

i could link it all to this, spirit of rejection- attention- service- thoughts of overtaking- suggestion.
if it was really like that then i better stop serving and reexamine myself.

i feel like handing in my resignation letter this saturday. i really do. i believe too that "when one no longer share the same idea with the leader, it means it's time to leave". no matter how much i will miss them all esp the children but it's better the ministry to stay together than fall apart. at least there is a home for the children to go back to when they are hungry and lost for God. when there is two different group in a ministry, the ministry will fall apart. why do such a abomination thing. i never wanted God's work to fall apart just because of what i said, and if it meant for the greater good, it's best to remove oneself from the picture.

"Find the cause and eliminate it before it's too late"